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MORE MONEY THAN 
BRAINS 



A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 



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Percival p. Hall 



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i'ym 




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MORE MONEY THAN 
BRAINS 



A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 



By 
PERCIVAL P. HALL 



Copyright, igig, by 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Vesey Street New York 







otP 27 !9I9 



Ci-Ci.3 52i^S8 



fr^ ' 

-^^' 



:^;5.^ 



More Money Than Brains 

CHARACTERS 

Pierre Arto 

A struggling artist wJio lias succeeded better in get- 
ting into debt tJian witli painting. 
Harry Bright 

Pierre's constant companion. Carefree and a born 
scJiemer. 
JiMMiE Maguire 

TJie landlady's son. A typical street urcJiin. 
Mrs. Maguire 

A sJiarp, stubborn, Irisli boarding -liouse keeper. 

Samuel Cohen A Seventh Avenue credit clotJiier. 

Mr. Snyder , A German grocer. 

Mr. John Styles 

Pierre's uncle. A well-to-do, elderly man. 

Mrs. John Styles Of a nervous, Jiysterical type. 

Detective Slick 

An officious official wJio woidd not turn Ms back on 
Jionest graft. 

Time. — Tlie present. Locality. — New York City. 
Time of Playing. — About 50 minutes. 

COSTUMES 

Appropriate to characters portrayed. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Bed, table, cooking utensils, screen, skeleton and rack, 
canvases, easel, pallette and brushes, check book and pen, 
night shirt, imitation jewels, paper and pencil, stage 
money, auto horn. 

3 



4 More Money Than Brains 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audi- 
ence, R. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of 
stage; d.r., door right; up means toward back of stage; 
DOWN toward footlights. 



More Money Than Brains 

ACT I 

SCENE. — Interior of a sparsely furnished studio. Door 
R., window R., in rear flat. In front of window a 
bedstead and between it and door a rack from wliicJi 
a skeleton is suspended. TJiis is so placed, when 
door is opened it is hidden f^^om view. Up l. a table 
upon which are a small stove and cooking utensils, 
hidden by a screen. Down l. an easel and artist's 
stool. Down r. an armchair. DISCOVERED 
Pierre deep in thought, seated on stool, elbows on 
knees and holding letters between legs, A knock is 
heard on the door. Pierre too deep in thought to 
notice. A second and louder knock, but no response. 
Finally, the dMor is slowly opened and Harry EN- 
TERS. Harry tip-toes over to Pierre and slaps 
Mm on the back, nearly knocking him off the stool. 

Pierre (rising quickly, upsetting stool and rubbing 
back). Holy smokes, Harry. Have a heart. Do you 
want to break my back? 

Harry. What the deuce is the matter with you? 
You look and act as though you had lost your last 
friend. 

Pierre. Worse than that, Harry. 

Harry. What's the trouble? Someone buy a pic- 
ture? 

Pierre. No, but my source of income has just been 
cut off and I am going to be dispossessed in about one 

5 



6 More Money Than Brains 

hour. The tailor is going to take the very clothes off 
my back and I guess the grocer and butcher will demand 
an autopsy to secure last night's supper. 

Harry. I see. The uncle won't stand it any longer, 
eh? 

Pierre. Eight. I just received this letter stating that 
it was of no use to ask him to extend my time, that so 
long as I was determined to stick to art, I must make 
it provide my livelihood. Well, Harry, my dear boy, I 
am going to make the uncle sit up and take notice yet. 

Harry. That's a little better spirit, Pierre. Per- 
haps we can make the old man come around before long. 

Pierre. Before long will have to be pretty soon if it 
is going to do me any good. Why, yesterday and every 
day before that for the last two weeks I have been busy 
all day long forcing a sweet smile and telling a long 
sad story to the landlady and the different tradespeople 
of how, if they como tomorrow, I will surely be able to 
pay them with the money I expect from my uncle. To- 
day I shall, no doubt, meet my Waterloo. I have put 
them off and put them off until they won 't stand it any 
longer. I'm expecting to see the landlady bounce in 
any minute. 

Harry. Why not lock your door and let her knock 
until she tires of it. She will think you are out. 

Pierre. Oh, no. You don't know Mrs. Maguire. She 
knows every move I make and a whole lot I don't make. 
I can't pass in or out of this house but that she knows 
it, and when I turn the corner I am watched by the 
grocer, at the next corner by the butcher, at the next 
by the tailor, and so on until I am afraid to look around 
for fear I would meet them all face to face. 

Harry. That's promising. If I ever want you at a 
minute's notice. I'll know just where to get you. (No- 
ticing skeleton for first time) Hello. Who^s your 
friend, Pierre? 

Pierre. Oh, pardon me, Harry, for not introducing 
you. (Business of introducing) Mr. Bright, I would 
like you to meet Mr. Cohen, the builder and owner of 
my wearing apparel. 



More Money Than Brains 7 

Harry (bowing and shaking Jiands). Charmed, I am 
sure. — But, I say, Pierre, tell me what have you ever 
got this thing for? 

Pierre. I'll tell you, Harry. I am working on a 
picture, as you see (Pointing to canvas on easel) which, 
when finished, will be known as "Death.." I expect 
this to be my masterpiece, the outcome of a most strange 
and weird dream. It was necessary for me to paint a 
skeleton in one part, and while passing Shark's, the 
pawn-broker's, last night, I saw this for sale and spent 
my last cent to acquire it. 

Harry. And now you are dead broke because of this 
note from your uncle. 

Pierre. Exactly, only more so because I have run 
pretty heavily into debt, fully expecting that my uncle 
would still play the part of the "Good Samaritan." If 
he had only held off until I had completed this picture, 
all would have been well. 

Harry. Well, don't feel so bad about it. If you 
have to submit to being put out of your home, you can 
always find a welcome in my place. 

Pierre (patting Harry on tJie hack). Thank you, 
Harry. Perhaps some time I can repay you for all you 
have done for me. You have gotten me out of so many 
scrapes that I am beginning to feel as though you will 
find a way out of this one. (Heavy footsteps are Jieard 
outside and finally a loud knock on the door) 

Pierre (excitedly). The landlady. Harry, it's all up. 

Harry. Hide, quick. 

Pierre. It's of no use. (Loud knocks on door) 

Harry. Hide, I say, and let me handle her. f Pierre 
retreats heliind screen. Harry pidls door open very 
quickly and Jimmie Maguire falls almost into the middle 
of the room) 

Jimmie. For the love of Mike, why didn't you say 
come in before you opened the door that way? You^ 
didn't answer me knocks, so I was just peekin' to see 
why. Me mudder saj^s she wants de rent. 

Harry. I don't owe your mother anything, boy. 
What are you talking about? 



8 More Money Than Brains 

JiMMiE. Oh, gee ! I thought you was Mr. Arto. 
Harry. So it's Mr. Arto you wish to see? 

JiMMiE. Sure. Where is he? 

Harry. Mr. Arto is out at present. 

JiMMiE. He is not. You can't kid me. Believe me, 
if me mudder don't get the ''cush" he sure will go out. 
(Demonstrating witli a kick) 

Harry. See here, young man, you're pretty imperti- 
nent. I told you Mr. Arto was out. Now, how do you 
know that he isn't? 

JiMMiE. Me mudder saw him come in wid a bundle 
last night, and I know he didn't go out since. 

Harry. It is possible that Mr. Arto was called away 
some time during the middle of the night. 

JiMMiE. Nix on dat stuff. Me fadder is on dis beat 
and he knows the only guy that left our house last night 
was Mr. Wilson, downstairs. He works on the news- 
paper. 

Pierre (coming from heJiind tJie screen). It's no use, 
as I told you, Harry. The Maguires know every move- 
ment in this vicinity. 

JiMMiE. Say, me mudder says she ain't going to wait 
any more for your rent. What do you say about it, huh ? 

Pierre. Now see here, Jimmie, you tell your mother 
that 

Jimmie. Nix, nix, no more delay stuff. If you don't 
send the money down with me, me mudder 's coming 
right up to put you out. (Poses witJi hand out to re- 
ceive money. Harry slips liand of skeleton into Jim- 
mie 's hand. Jimmie turns at this to face skeleton) 

Harry. Meet Mr. Cohen, Jimmie. 

Jimmie (jumping). Holy Smokes, there's murder 
been done! [EXITS in great confusion 

Harry. So long, Jimmie! 

Pierre. Jinks, Harry, you and I better drop every- 
thing and get out of this. That little imp is his mother's 
pride and joy and in about two minutes the old lady 
will be up here with the axe, ready to annihilate every- 
thing. Come on, let's get. (Begins to gather a few 
things) 



More Money Than Brains 9 

Harry. There's no need of that, Pierre. Cohen 
scared the imp, why won't it scare the imp's mother? 

Pierre. Not for me. You may stick it out, but I am 
a strong believer in safety first. Take my advice and 
come. (Heavy footsteps and loud noises Jieard outside. 
Pierre drops everyfhing and falls onto stool). Good 
night ! 

Harry. Brace up, Pierre. Where there is life, there 
is hope. 

Mrs. Maguire (off stage). The idea of searin' the 
wits out of a poor innocent, harmless child. 

Jimmie (off stage). Yeah, Mom. He put the hand 
right in my hand. 

Pierre. I told you so. We're in for it, all right. 

Harry. Don't give in. Face it bravely. We'll crawl 
out somehow. 

Mrs. Maguire (off stage). Come on in, child. What 
are you afraid of? Your mother's with you, me darlint 
boy. (Loud shuffling of feet) 

Jimmie. Nothin' doin'. You don't catch me going in 
there. Nix, I'm going out. 

Mrs. Maguire (off stage). Ah, the darlint child. He's 
half the wits scared out of him. Well, we'll see 

Pierre. Now I lay me down to sleep 

Mrs. Maguire (bursting in door witJi duster raised 
over Tier Jiead). See here, Mr. Arto, it ain 't bad enough 
to be owing me ten weeks' rent, but you be after scarin' 
me child to death. (All fhis time sJie is tJireatening 
hotJi Harry and Pierre witJi tJie duster) I want an 
explanation of this, and I want it quick. 

Harry. Pray calm yourself, Mrs. Maguire, and I am 
sure we can explain everything. 

Mrs. Maguire (coming very close to Harry j. And 
who are you that you 'd be after givin ' me advice ? Does 
your advice collect my rent? Butt out. And now. Mr. 
Arto, what are you going to be doin'? 

Pierre. Now really, Mrs. Maguire, I told you 

Mrs. Maguire. Yes, and you told me the same old 
story for the last time. I'm determined, I am. Put up 
or out you go. 



10 More Money Than Brains 

Pierre. Now, Mrs. Maguire, can't you- 

Mrs. Maguire. No, I can't, I won't, and what's more, 
I don't want to. Them's my final terms and it's up to 
you. 

Pierre. Tomorrow, Mrs. Maguire, I am sure— — 

Mrs. Maguire. Tomorrow be blowed! Do you think 
I run a charity institution? (Poses) 

Harry (coming up to Pierre J. Give her a check, 
Pierre. 

Pierre (aside). But there are no funds in the bank. 

Harry. That doesn't matter. It will hold her off 
for a little while, anyway. 

Mrs. Maguire. Well, am I a fixture here ? 

Pierre (quite relieved). Oh, yes, I had quite for- 
gotten. You came after your rent, didn't you? 

Mrs. Maguire (aside). Can ye beat that? Did you 
think I came to take tea with you? 

Pierre. I am very sorry, Mrs. Maguire, but I haven 't 
quite enough cash in the house, so if 

Mrs. Maguire. Shall I call me old man to put you 
out? You remember me terms. 

Pierre. I was just going to say, if you would accept 
a check, I would pay you in full. 

Mrs. Maguire. I don't know much about them things, 
but I'll take a chance. 

Pierre (writing). Twenty-five dollars, wasn't it? 

Mrs. Maguire (sweetly). Yes, sir, Mr. Arto. 

Pierre. There you are, Mrs. Maguire. 

Mrs. Maguire. Thank you so much. The Lord bless 
you. (As Mrs. Maguire turn^ to go out, sJie sees skele- 
ton for first time. Screams) Good Fathers ! 

[EXIT Jiurriedly. 

Pierre. Phew ! 

Harry. Say, she's a piece of the old sod, all right. 
I expected every minute to have my head come in con- 
tact with that duster. 

Pierre. Wait till she finds there is no money in the 
bank. Oh, me! oh, my! — you and I had better write 
our farewell notes. (Footsteps outside) She's back. 
(Starts quickly) 



More Money Than Brains ii 

Harry. Impossible, Pierre. Your nerves are surely 
on edge. 

Pierre. Yours would be too if you were in this fix. 
I not only am in debt, but now, by giving a worthless 
check, I am liable to arrest. (Loud knock) I wonder 
who that can be. Maybe it's the police. 

Harry. Nonsense, boy. Shall I let them in? 

Pierre. You might as well. I don't care what hap- 
pens. (Harry opens tJie door and Cohen ENTERS) 

Cohen (to Harry J. T'ank you. 

Harry. Don't mention it. 

Cohen. So, Mr. Arto, I can see you are enjoying the 
best of health. 

Pierre. Yes. 

Cohen. Perhaps you can let me have a payment, 
yes? 

Pierre. I am sorry to say, no. 

Cohen. No? Und why not? 

Pierre. Well, you see^ the money I expected hasn't 
arrived. 

Cohen. Und you expect me to wait so much longer? 

Pierre. Why, yes, surely. 

Cohen. I cannot do it. Think of the loss. Twenty 
dollars at four per cent, interest for six months ! Oi — 
I can't do it. 

Pierre. But I haven't the money and I can't pay 
you just now. 

Cohen. Can 't you give me something ? Say five dol- 
lars? 

Pierre. No, nothing. 

Cohen. Say four. 

Pierre. No, nothing. 

Cohen. Say three. 

Pierre. See here, Cohen, I have told you I can^t 
pay. So good-day. 

Cohen (excitedly). You want to cheat me ! You 
want to rob me! If you can't pay me, I will have dose 
clothes back again. (He snatclies Pierre's coat from 
cliair and starts toward door, hut Pierre catclies one 
end and Tiolds on) Let go! They belong to me! You 
are trying to rob me! 



12 More Money Than Brains 

Pierre. See here, Cohen! Let go of that coat! 

Harry (interceding). For heaven's sake, Pierre, give 
him a check and get rid of him, or you will surely have 
the police in. 

Pierre. Wait a second, Cohen. 

Cohen. Vait a second? Haven't I vaited already 
six months? I want the money or the clothes. 

Pierre. I'll give you the money. 

Cohen (relaxing). Veil, vy didn't you say so be- 
fore? 

Pierre (replacing coat on hack of chair). "What do 
I owe you? 

Cohen, Twenty-five dollars and six months' interest 
at four per cent. 

Pierre. Never mind the interest. I'll give you a 
check for what I owe you. (Writes) 

Cohen. But the interest 

Pierre (sternly). Do you want the check? 

Cohen. I only let you off 'cause I don't want to 
lose the trade. 

Pierre. Here, now don't bother me again. 

Cohen. I am skinning myself, Mr. Arto. A thirty- 
five dollar suit at twenty-five and lose six months' in- 
terest 

Pierre (sJioving Jiim out). Good-day and get out. 

[EXIT Cohen 

Harry. How often does that come in? 

Pierre. Once each morning for the last six months. 
When he finds there is no money to meet that check, 
yours truly will create a new fashion for the coming 
season. That of wearing a barrel. 

Harry. From the way he yanked that coat, I guess 
you're right. I was expecting every minute to see it 
part and let him tumble clear out of the room and down 
the stairs. 

Pierre. I wish it had Well, Harry, I must do a 
little work on this picture if I can control my nerves 
enough to get started. (Paints) Do you want to read 
or criticise? 

Harry. I'd much rather criticise. (Examining pic- 



More Money Than Brains 13 

ture) I don't think you show quite enough detail in 
the interior of that vault, do you? 

Pierre.. You boob! If you're going to criticise, do 
it justly. How am I to show detail behind a closed 
door? 

Harry. "Well, you might paint the detail around here 
on the back. (Pointing to position on hack of canvas 
just beJiind door) 

Pierre. Sit down and read. (Footsteps coming up 
the stairs) 

Harry. Another one of your friends, Pierre. Gosh, 
but you are popular! 

Pierre. I give up ! (Knock) Come in. 

Mr. Snyder. Goot-morgin alretty. (Stands and looks 
at Pierre tvitli liands in apron) I say, goot-morgin. 

Pierre. Good-morning. (Pidling empty pockets in- 
side out) 

Mr. Snyder. Ach, der same ole story! Vhen vill 
you pay me? 

Pierre. I don 't know. I guess when I get the money. 

Mr. Snyder (aside). Ach, by golly, I am dealin' wid 
a swindler! (To PierreJ Well, young man, I vill not 
leave dis room until I get dose moneys. Do you expect 
me to feed j^ou for nuttings? (Aside) Ooh, by golly, 
vot a brazen swindler ! 

Pierre. Now, Mr. Snyder, what 's the .use of standing 
there when I tell you I haven't got the money? 

Mr. Snyder. Ach in Himmel, do you mean to rob 
me? No, sir, here I stands und here I get dose moneys. 

Harry. You're up against a stone wall there, Pierre. 
The sooner you give him a check the better off you are. 

Pierre. I guess you're right. He isn't at all beauti- 
fying to the surroundings, is he? (To Snyder J Do 
you want all cash? 

Mr. Snyder. You bet I do ! Do you t'ink I vant pic- 
tures ? 

Pierre. I'll give you a check. 

Mr. Snyder. Veil, dat vill do very nicely. 
^ Pierre (writes). Here you are. The full amount. 

Mr, Snyder (aside). He ain't such a bummer after 



14 More Money Than Brains 

all. I t'ank you a t'ousand times. Is there anything 
you want dis morning? Some fine saurkrout, bologna, 
or sumtdings like dot? 

Pierre (to Harry J. I haven't got the heart, after 
giving him a bum check. 

Harry. It's up to you. 

Pierre. No, I don't think so, Mr. Snyder. 

Mr. Snyder. Perhaps tomorrow, yes? 

Pierre. Yes, perhaps tomorrow. Good-day. 

Mr. Snyder. Gooden Tog. [EXIT 

Pierre. "Well, by ginks, I hope that's the last one I 
owe any money to ! I suppose, though, the butcher and 
the furniture man will be in, too. (All this time Harry 
Jias been staring at tlie skeleton and seemingly deep in 
tJiouglit) Say, Harry, I have had so much excitement 
this morning that I have forgotten to feel hungry. I've 
got just twenty-five cents left. I know where we can 
get a pretty good lunch for two on that. Besides, it 
would be a good thing if you and I were absent when 
the mob returns — there's more room to run out in the 
street. 

Harry. Say, Pierre, I've got a scheme. 

Pierre. I said eats. Come on — '' Drink and be merry, 
for when we return we die. ' ' 

Harry. This scheme will pull you out of debt, or I'll 
eat my hat. 

Pierre. You can think better on a full stomach. Ex- 
plain it while we eat. 

Harry. Are you in on this scheme? 

Pierre. If it will clear me of my debts, I'm in on 
anything. 

Harry. Well, then, there is one thing to be done 
before we go to lunch. Let me have paper and pencil. 
(Pierre gets paper arid pencil. Harry writes) What 
did you say your uncle's address is? 

Pierre. 12 West 174th Street. 

Harry (reading). Now listen to this. *'Mr. John 
Styles. — Having had occasion to call on my old friend, 
Pierre, this morning, I was greatly surprised to find 



More Money Than Brains 15 

matters in a very serious state. I am sorry to say, I am 
obliged to inform you of his deatli/' 

Pierre. Dead ? 

Harry. Sure. You 're dead broke, anyway. (Reads) 
*'I would suggest that you come immediately, in order 
that you may make arrangements. Sorrowfully yours, 
Harry Bright." 

Pierre. No, Harry, I can't agree to that. How am 
I to come to life a^ain? 

Harry. Leave that to me. Come now, you've agreed. 
Call Jimmie to take this to your uncle. 

Pierre. I don't like it, but I suppose it will work 
out all right. (Calls at door) Hey, Jimmie! Oh, Jim- 
mie! 

Jimmie (off stage). What do yez want? 

Pierre (calling). Do you want to earn a few pen- 
nies ? I have an errand for you to do. 

Jimmie (off). Pew pennies! What do yez take me 
for, a kid? 

Pierre. Come on up and I '11 tell you about it. 

Jimmie. All right. 

Harry. Offer him a half-dollar when he comes back. 

Jimmie (off stage). I'm here. What is it? 

Pierre. Come on in. I have a note I want delivered 
to my uncle. 

Jimmie. Not much! Chuck the note and the money 
out here and maybe I'll take it. 

Harry. I'll take it to him. [EXIT 

Pierre. I wonder how it will all come out? 

Harry (re-entering). I arranged with Jimmie to take 
the note and collect his fifty cents when he returns. 
Now for that feed you spoke of and I'll explain the 
whole business to you. 

Pierre. I don't like it, Harry, but I'm no quitter. 
Come on. ' [EXEUNT 

CURTAIN 



i6 More Money Than Brains 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. One "hour elapses. Harry 
and Pierre ENTEE, talking. 

Pierre. Well, Harry, that's the greatest IVe ever 
heard. 

Harry. And I have a feeling it's going to work like 
a charm. (Looking at watch) Whew! We've been 
gone an hour. Come on, we'U have to prepare for your 
funeral or your aunt and uncle will walk in on us. 

Pierre. What's first? 

Harry. Have you a night-shirt? 

Pierre. Yes, one that is more holy than righteous. 

Harry. Good. That will be better than a new one. 
Slip it on old Cohen. 

Pierre, There you are. 

Harry. Now, into bed with him. (Places skeleton, 
covered witJi nigJit -shirt , in bed) That completes the 
preparation. Now, all we have to do is to await the 
mourners. But wait. We've got to find a suitable 
hiding place for you. Let me see. 

Pierre. Under the bed. 

Harry. No, that won't do. If possible, we want a 
place where you can see the fun. If you got under the 
bed, there wouldn't be any room for your feet. 

Pierre. I know a few others whose feet are quite 
evident. How about behind this screen? I could peek 
over. 

Harry. That's a good place. Now, when you hear 
anyone coming, dive behind there. (Outside is heard 
an auto horn) 

Pierre (at window). The mourners have arrived. 
Uncle and auntie. 

Harry. Gee, we just got back in time ! Quick, now, 
get behind the screen and don't let yourself be seen. 
(Pierre gets behind screen. Harry pulls sheet com- 
pletely over skeleton. Loud tread on stairs, knock. 
Harry opens door and enter Mr. and Mrs. John Styles, 



More Money Than Brains 17 

dressed in deep mourning. Mrs. Styles is weeping 
sadly) Good afternoon, sir. 

Mr. Styles. I received your note. Now let me know 
the particulars. (Mrs. Styles sohs very loudly) There, 
there, my dear, do not carry on so. 

Mrs. Styles. Poor Pierre 

Harry. The particulars are these. I had not been 
to see my friend in some time — oh, I guess about two 
months. When this morning I chanced to drop in 

Mr. Styles. Yes 

Harry. I knocked several times, but received no an- 
swer. Intending to leave a note, I pushed the door 
and came in to find things just as you see them. 

Mr. Styles. Yes. But how did you discover that 
Pierre was dead? 

Harry. Turning to leave the room, I noticed on the 
bed my friend Pierre. Oh, I cannot tell you how I feel- 
the loss of so true a friend! 

Mrs. Styles. Oh, my poor Pierre! Do let me take 
one last look at him. Oh, dear me 

Mr. Styles. There, there, my dear! Don't carry on 
that way. 

Mrs. Styles. I will carry on that way. If you had 
helped the boy when he asked you to, he probably would 
have been with us today. Oh, John, how could you be 
so cruel to poor Pierre? (Mrs. Styles starts toward 
bed. Harry prevents her) 

Harry. Really, Mrs. Styles, I wish you would collect 
yourself before looking at Pierre for the last time. I 
am afraid 

Mrs. Styles. Let me see him. I must see him. Oh, 
poor Pierre! 

Mr. Styles. My dear, try and control your feel- 
ings 

' Mrs. Styles. John Styles, how can you be so hard- 
hearted? Have you no feeling? Oh, poor Pierre! I 
must see him 



Harry. I really cannot let you, Mrs. Styles, 
Mrs. Styles. I will. Oh, oh, oh ! I will ! 
Mr. Styles. Let her see Mm, Mr. Bright. 



i8 More Money Than Brains 

^ARRY. Very well. (Mrs. Styles draws sheet hack, 
exposing skeleton. Faints on bed. Mr. Styles and 
Harry rusJi to aid her) 

Mr. Styles. Good heavens! How terrible! Quick, 
some water, quick! (While Mr. Styles pats Mrs. Styles' 
forehead with a handkerchief, Harry rushes ah out ex- 
citedly for water, once cautioning Pierre to he quiet) 
For pity sakes, man, get some water and don't do so 
much running about ! 

Harry (bringing vinegar from behind screen). I 
can't find any water, but here's some vinegar. That's 
very good. 

Mr. Styles. Let me have it quick! (Applies) 

Mrs. Styles (coming to). Oh, John, where are we? 

Mr. Styles (heaving a sigh.). There, there, dear. 
You're all right. 

Mrs. Styles. Dear me, John, do be careful ! You '11 
spill that on my dress. Oh, John, isn't it terrible? 
(Sobs) Poor Pierre! {Fierre slips off of box on which 
he has been standing to try and look over the screen) 
What's that John? 

Mr. Styles (to Harry J. Yes, what's that? 

Harry (nervously). I heard nothing. 

Mrs. Styles. Oh, John, why didn't you help the boy 
when you could? 

Mr. Styles. Now, I have told you time and — — 
(Another tumble and noise) 

Harry (aside). For the love of Pete! He'll spoil the 
whole afPair. (Coughs loudly and moves in chair) 

Mrs. Styles. There's that noise again. What is it? 

Harry. A noise? I didn't hear any. 

Mr. Styles. Well, then, you must be deaf. I heard 
it very distinctly. 

Harry. I am afraid that both of you have become too 
much upset by this very sad affair. (Pierre succeeds 
in peeping over the screen and is seen hy Mrs. Styles^ 

Mrs. Styles (screams). John! (All start) 

Mr. Styles. Heavens ! What has happened ? 

Mrs. Styles. Oh, John, take me from this room! 
It's haunted, I'm sure! 



More Money Than Brains 19 

Mr. Styles. Come, come, my dear. Collect yourself. 

Mrs. Styles. I just saw Pierre look over that screen 
at me. 

Harry (aside). It's all up! 

Mr. Styles. Nonsense, my dear! Come, we must 
leave before you are ill. 

Harry (aside). How am I going to get him to settle 
the bills before he goes? (Mr. Styles assists Mrs. 
Styles to the door. Just as Mr. and Mrs. Styles are 
about to leave, a terrible tramp of feet is heard outside 
and shouts of ''We'll get him!'' "I ivant my m.oney!'' 
''The robber !'' etc. Then suddenly the door is thrown 
open and Jimmie, Mrs. Maguire, Cohen ajid Snyder 
rush in, all excitement, waving the bogus checks and 
demanding payment in all sorts of threats. Mrs. Styles 
retreats in horror. Mr. Styles tries to shout above the 
noise) 

,Mr. Styles. Just a second. What's it all about? 
People, there is a dead man in this room, so please be 
quiet. (The creditors all glance toward the bed and in 
unison exclaim, "Bead?" and then all with one thought 
turn and start to realize the amount of their loss by 
grabbing Pierre's possessions) 

Mr. Styles. Don't touch a thing in this room, and 
I will pay you all. (All drop their belongings and rusk 
with tlieir bills toward Mr. Styles, each eager to be 
paid first) One at a time, please. One at a time. You 
will all be paid. Now, Mrs., what does your bill amount 
to? (To Mrs. MaguireJ 

Mrs. Maguire. Twenty-five dollars, sir. 

Mr. Styles (producing roll). Here you are. Now, 
what's yours? (To Cohen j 

Mrs. Maguire. Thank you, sir. (Going toward bed 
and raising apron to wipe eyes) Poor Mr. Arto! This 
is enough to break me heart ! Sure, he was a fine young 
man. 

Mr. Cohen. Twenty-five dollars and eight months* 
interest at four per cent. 

Mr. Styles. Here's twenty-six. I guess that will 
cover all. Now then, you're next. (To Snyder. Cohen 



20 More Money Than Brains 

removes Tiat and stands next to Mrs. MaguireJ 

Mr. Snyder. Ach in Himmel, it is about time. Ten 
dollars und ocht-nnd-swansic cents. 

Mr. Styles. There. Now, I wish all you people would 
leave this room. 

Mr. Snyder. Yas, sir. But first let me have just one 
look. Mr. Arto was a fine young man. (As Snyder and 
all move toward tlie bed to take a last look, Pierre, in 
Ms endeavors to sJiake a tJireatening fist over tJie screen 
at tliem, slips and falls with tJie screen into tJie room. 
Everyone turns to see ivliat lias liappened. In unison, 
Mrs. Styles sJirieks; Mrs. Maguire, ''Rascal!'' Cohen, 
''Faker!" Snyder, ''Acli in Himmel!'' Mr. Styles, 
''So!" Harry, " Good-niglit ! " Jimmie, "What the 
hell!") 

Mr. Styles. So, young man, this is your game! A 
trick to play on the sympathies of your aunt and uncle ! 
Look at your aunt — in a state of prostration because of 
this shameful trick. You are no longer a nephew of 
mine. My interest in you is at an end. Never again 
call me uncle, nor appeal to me for aid, no matter how 
distressing your situation may be. (ENTER Detective 
^* Slick," walking hurriedly to center of stage) 

Slick. I am looking for a Mr. Arto. Does he live 
here? 

Mr. Styles. Are you another of his creditors? 

Slick. I am Detective Slick of the Secret Service 
and am looking for a Mr. Arto. 

Mr. Styles. There he is, and I trust he will be well 
punished for the injustice Avhich he has just done me. 

Slick (advancing to Pierre, who is still seated on 
floor). Are you Mr. Arto? 

Pierre. Guilty. 

Harry (to Mr. Styles J. Mr. Styles, Pierre has been 
falsely accused. This whole affair was planned by me 
and dared to be carried out by your nephew. 

Mr. Styles. Have I not just denounced him as my 
nephew ? Why do you insist that he is ? 

Harry (to Slick J. Officer, if there is to be an arrest 
made, I want to take my share. 



More Money Than Brains 21 

Slick. Arrest? I have not come to make an arrest, 
but to recover some stolen property. 

Pierre (rising). Surely, you don't expect to find it 
here? 

Slick. Now don't get excited, young man. Just let 
me ask a few questions. Do you remember buying any- 
thing last night ? 

Pierre. Why, no. Why? 

Slick. Easy now. Just think again. Don't you re- 
member buying anj'thing of a pawnbroker? 

Pierre. Oh, yes. I bought a skeleton of Shark. 

Slick. Well, I have been engaged by the wealthy 
Mrs. Vanderdough to locate that skeleton. Three nights 
ago thieves broke into her house and stole nearly every- 
thing in sight, including this skeleton. 

Pierre. Well, surely you don't connect me with that 
story, 

Mr. Styles. That wouldn't surprise me in the least. 

Slick. Now don't interrupt and I will explain all in 
time. Old Mr. Vanderdough had given his wife a great 
many very fine gems and, expecting to be robbed some 
time or other, she placed these jewels in the skull of 
this skeleton, never thinking that a thief would look in 
such a place. Rather clever, too, at that. However, this 
skeleton was taken, and being found worthless by the 
robbers, was pawned at Shark's, and from there I have 
traced it to you. Have you still got it? 

Pierre. Yes, here it is. 

Slick. Excellent ! The jewels are all here. (Having 
extracted tJiem from tlie skull. Exclamations of '*01i!^* 
and ^^AJi!" from all) Young man, let me congratulate 
you and give you this handsome reward for the return 
of the jewels. A check for $1,000. 

Pierre. Harry, don't wake me up! Thank you, of- 
ficer. Uncle, if I may call you such, I am now in a 
position to repay you for all the expense I have caused 
you. Will you not accept this check and I will start 
anew and show you that I can be somebody? 

Mr. Styles. Pierre, your last remark has vindicated 
you. If you will promise to give up art and take that 



22 More Money Than Brains 

money and succeed in being someone, I will reinstate 
you in my good graces. 

Pierre. I promise. (Shake) 

Slick. Well, I guess I had better return these jewels 
to Mrs. Vanderdough. 

Mr. Styles. Here, Officer, on your way over, have 
a smoke. 

Slick. Thank you, sir. Good-day. 

All. Good-day. 

Cohen (advancing with style-hook and samples). 
Maybe, Mr. Arto, I can show you some of my latest 
styles. 

Pierre. No. You and Snyder may go. Mrs. Ma- 
guire, I give you notice. I will have an expressman 
call for my few things tomorrow. 

Mrs. Maguire. Very well, sir. 

[EXIT Mrs. Maguire, Jimmie, Cohen and Snyder 

Pierre. Harry, Uncle John and Aunt Ellen, at my 
invitation, I want you to supper with me and talk over 
the plans for my future. 

All. We would be delighted. [EXEUNT 

Harry. Farewell, old Cohen. (Shaking hands with 
skeleton) You had more money than brains. 

CURTAIN 



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